Have Some Cocoa

Picture, if you will, the baking supplies aisle of your local SuperHellMart.  On December 22nd.  Mid-afternoon.  Your humble author is halfway down the aisle, double stroller and shopping cart in tow, with her three page list of items, in search of marshmallow creme.  She has been in SuperHellMart approximately 45 minutes, and has found fewer than half of the items on her list.  It’s 15 degrees outside, windchill into the single digits, the babies keep crying intermittently, and she hasn’t slept for more than a few hours consecutively since July.

The infants’ carseats are covered with receiving blankets, which lend that certain morbid air that one generally associates with the mortician leaving the hospital with a fresh decedent.  Your author has been stopped at least seventy thousand times since arriving in the store, by people asking one or more of the following:  “Are they twins?” (No, one’s just short for her age.)  “How old are they?” (Three hours.  Don’t I look great?)  “Boys or girls?”  (Boys.  We thought the pink blankets would help add character.)

The baking supplies aisle (flour, sugar, marshmallow creme, whatnot) is filled with at least thirty women of all descriptions, fifteen or so headed in each direction, all pushing carts, hunting for things, and looking more or less harried.  Also present is a very large black man, who keeps asking any woman that passes how to make pie.  Apparently he’s never made pie, but this is the year he wants to give it a whirl.  Discussions occur as to evaporated vs sweetened condensed milk for pumpkin pie, and whether one should add sugar to the “no sugar added” apple pie filling, and if so, how much.  Meanwhile, the line backs up, and your author really would just like to get her chocolate chips and get out of here, thank you.

The line shuffles on a bit more, and then the whole works grinds to a stop as this fifteen-year-old, glassy-eyed kid has stopped with his cart right in the middle of things.  He has a piece of fancy Christmas notepaper with feminine handwriting (clearly mom’s list) and is staring blankly at the baking soda.  After a good minute and a half, he’s either struck by divine revelation and/or gives up, and moves on.

Meanwhile, your author has realized that the cherry pie filling is at the *other* end of the aisle, and has to turn her cart and stroller around, which she manages at length. 

It may, no doubt, surprise the gentle reader to hear that your author does not usually speak to people in stores (swearing under one’s breath aside) so the fact that she made eye contact with, and spoke to another customer is not entirely usual, but maybe it’s all the questions about her offspring that have loosened her up.  More likely, it’s the incredible frustration of shopping with every other person in the county.  So she makes eye contact with a reasonable-looking woman, and opens her mouth.  “After this, a person might just need to have a drink.”  To which the previously-reasonable woman replies “No, you shouldn’t.  It’s too early.  Have some cocoa instead.” 

There’s still crime scene tape strung up next to the cinnamon and nutmeg.  I’m sure that my readers understand why I just had to choke her to death with tinsel from her own shopping cart.  Anyone know if they have Jack Daniels in prison?

Explore posts in the same categories: Domesticity, Random

6 Comments on “Have Some Cocoa”

  1. JenK Says:

    Lol, Kate, you are a riot! And how brave/insane of you to go to hellmart 2 days before xmas with a double stroller!

    Merry xmas,

  2. Lawmommy Says:

    You went to the grocery store on December 22 in the MIDWEST with a double stroller?

    You are far braver than I am, K.

    They don’t have Jack Daniels in prison but I understand you can brew your own hooch with some sugar and some apples in a sock hidden under your mattress. ;-P

    The cocoa would be a fine choice after that shopping trip, provided you tipped a bunch of Bailey’s into it.

  3. Elaine Says:

    Now if you had said that to me, about needing the drink, I would have heartily agreed with you EVEN THOUGH I DON’T DRINK. What kind of person says to have cocoa instead? Also? Once you have kids, the inane questions just never stop. The other day somebody asked if my boys are twins. Sure. One’s four and the other is one. They look nothing alike. Twins. Very plausible.

  4. Dora Says:

    So long as you get a true jury of your peers, you’re safe.

  5. Care Says:

    Justified, absolutely. I’ll help with bail money – they will never convict you.

  6. Shae Says:

    As a single mom to bio, adopted, and foster kids (for a total of 5 under 5) I must say I LOVE Hellmart. Yes, that is exactly the sentiment. During one trip I looked at my 5 and said “I AM SO DONE.” I did not mean shopping. A charming little old man piped in and said “Honey, you are no where near done. Your not even done when they all get to college.” Thank you, thank you very much. P.S. When toting two small ones, try wearing one in the Baby Bjorn and putting the other car seat in the basket. Ditch the double stroller!

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