Cloying Optimism

I’ll post on some of the suggested topics later, but for now I need to get this off of my chest.  If you feel for some reason that it applies to you, it may or may not, but it’s not intended with malice.  This is just me airing my feelings in the only place that’s safe.

I’ve seen a trend lately, on blogs and message boards.  It’s not a new trend, I’m just seeing it again after several months of not.  It revolves around women who have been TTC for one, maybe a few months, and are absolutely *certain* that they’ll get pregnant any minute.  Maybe I was one of them once, but I don’t recall the certainty. 

I recall thinking it might take 6 months or so (ha, still such an optimist) but I have no recollection of truly believing that “OMG! I had an IUI!  I’m definitely pregnant!!!”  or “Oh, well, I’m sure I’ll be pregnant this cycle, so I won’t have to use Clomid” or “I knew my virtuous diet/religion/shamanistic rites involving goat blood would get me pregnant, clearly, I’m just surprised it took so long (3 cycles.)”  And furthermore, even if I did think those things, I for damn sure wouldn’t have been running around message boards saying them.  Of course, that was back in 2005, and I’m reasonably sure message boards were still made out of stone tablets hoisted by dinosaurs. 

I have no recollection of believing in beginner’s luck.  It’s utterly galling to see all of these women, easily getting knocked up, thinking it’s just their just due and “how things work”, some of them having their second since I’ve started working on my first, skipping from talking about ttc to talking about diapers when I’m still stuck talking about pussy bullets and peesticks.  And frankly, what’s new to say about peesticks?  You pee on it, it’s negative, lather rinse repeat.  I’ve seen enough single lines to build a picket fence in peesticks in my front yard (hey, there’s an idea!) 

And as much as my annoyance with the easy-pregnants is purely green-eyed envy (and it is, of course) it would be attenuated,  at least a little, if any of them (save a rare few and you know who you are) acted the slightest *shred* grateful for what they’ve been given.  You’ve got a miracle, you assholes!  An utter fucking miracle.  You have, easily won, even accidentally won (like my coworker who’s still “meh” about her pregnancy at 16 weeks) what others would and do give huge amounts of money and effort and angst to get.  And you don’t even seem to get it.  (And yes, they’re mid 20’s, stable, sorta-trying and want kids – it’s not like she’s oops-knocked-up – but even if she was, by 16 weeks you quit being a brat and threatening to give your baby away to people.) 

Do you have any idea how “I’m sure I’ll get a BFP this time” when you’ve had three or four before, and already have children, hurts someone who’s never seen one?  Oh, I’ve seen  my share of ghostly evap lines, but nothing I could show to the mailman and crow “I’m pregnant!”  Any idea how the bitching about the annoyances of pregnancy (and yeah, I’m sure I’ll bitch too) hurts me as you talk about “finally” getting pregnant (after 2 months) and how you’re not sure you want this kid after all? 

I know that some of my readers are even now walking off in a proverbial huff.  That’s fine.  I’m sorry to offend, but this place is the airing spot for my brain.  For the others who’ve stuck around, who get it, I wish you love and strength to get through the days when you feel like I do today. 

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10 Comments on “Cloying Optimism”

  1. AJ Says:

    I get it. I hate that I get it but I do. After reading a message board just this morning, I wanted to scream, “but you already have one!”

  2. vee Says:

    Some readers may have buggered off. Some stuck around and drank that up like water in the desert.

  3. dayzofrain Says:

    no huffin and puffin here. I totally get it. In fact I get it so much that I hardly even go to message boards anymore…for the sake of my sanity.

  4. Melissa Says:

    You couldn’t be more right!!

  5. Amy Says:

    I get it. The complexity involved in getting pregnant is just mind-boggling to me, and I’m utterly speechless when other people don’t see it the same way. That part… I just don’t get.

  6. Kristin Says:

    I totally get it…

  7. Belwen Says:

    I have rarely, if ever, seen my own feelings on this topic so articulately expressed. Can you hear me applauding you? I hope so.

    When I was 27 and had just been dx’d with a nasty case of endometriosis, a co-worker (who knew of my trouble) almost got a shovel in her skull courtesy of moi, because she wouldn’t stop bitching about how she had gone off the pill six weeks ago and still wasn’t pg. At that point in my life I hadn’t even considered SMC, so as far as I was concerned there I was, desperately wanting a child but having been told that without ever having been able to try, I was already probably infertile. Needless to say, this woman couldn’t understand why I just didn’t want to listen to her mindless nattering.

    Naturally, she went on to have two kids in quick succession. My only consolation is knowing that she will never be anything but a shallow, self-centered “void surrounded by a sphincter” (my Dad’s fave expression ;-).

    Thank you for giving voice to the feelings of so many women. Wishing you only the best, and that those lines darken and remain. Hang in there.


  8. Hear ya! I really really do! My biggest peeve IS hearing drs telling young,healthy fertile women THAT they are infertile without cause. And the craziness that this causes. Because I know first hand that anything is possible.

    Aside from my own story, I have had 2 nieces go through fertility treatements to have kids, one had triplets ONLY to later have natural pregnancies.

    But know both sides of this. I was told as a teen that I would have trouble conceiving. My eldest son was born just a month shy of my third anniversary. I never thought it would happen. The second came quick. And YES I started to take my fertility for granted. YES my sons are blessings though ! That marriage ended and after a few years I fell in love with a man who was sterile. Spent 21 years with him. But I wanted more children though it never happened. After about ten years I was over myself and found other things focus on..

    When i got pregnant at 45 , 3 momths into a new marriage I was shocked, scared, but elated! I miscarried. I freaked when midwife told me I was fine and could go home and TRY again. Wasn’t trying. Didn;t even think it was an issue. After which I spent months halfhheartedly trying again. More for hubby then for myself. Until me, he had never fathered a child.

    And now we are trying again. Perhaps too late! Thankfully I am realistic about it! Don’t think I am overly deserving etc. In fact at times feel guilty and selfish.

    No heroics. Just hoping and doing what I can by temping ,tracking, etc to better our chances.

    BTW, hope all continues to go well with your latest promising news. That’s IS a GREAT sign.

  9. Natasha Says:

    I hear ya! And yes, that green eyed monster is a bitch, she rides my shoulder everyday but hey, we’re human. I really hope it’s your turn!

  10. Clemency Says:

    Echo vee’s golden comment, above. I get you loud and clear. And have been wasting valuable minutes of my life feeling guilty for being annoyed at multiparous women (one at the moment on the boards already has five kids) who have an incessant need for moral support and sympathy. I understand that the desire for more children and not being able to get them easily is just as strong as the desire of the childless. But I do also believe that there is a difference. Once you have one child, you are already a mother. That won’t change. I’ve never had even a fainty faint line since i started trying and feel that it will never happen.

    That being said…I’m thrilled to hear your good news, big congratulations and I wish you all joy with your pregnancy and your baby1


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