Ever heard of an accidental referral?  You know, the “hm, my period’s late, better pee on a stick” of the adoption world?  Because I had this phone call/email today.

There’s a “possible match” from the agency-I-never-cancelled-with (thinking that their program might self-destruct and leave me with a refund.)  I’m asking for more info, but it doesn’t sound like an incredibly horrible match.  But…I’m sooooooo sooooo SO not in the head-space of “going to adopt.”  KWIM?  I’m all in the popping BCPs for IVF head-space.  I’m thinking of newborns & 3d vs 5d transfers, and injections, and success rates, blah blah blah. 

My homestudy’s out of date, my I-171H needs renewed as do my fingerprints, I have no idea where I’d get the money (the IVF is financed through a health-care loan, which granted I haven’t withdrawn the cash yet, so could cancel, but that money’s not available for an adoption.) 

 Oy fucking vey.  Help me, internets!  What in the frak do I do?

Explore posts in the same categories: Adoption, Baby, TTC

14 Comments on “Oops”

  1. shanwilk Says:

    Yikes…that is a tough one. If it were me, I would look further into the adoption while still moving forward with your ttc plans. I know not everyone would agree with that but having been in this position myself in the past that was the route I chose.

    I say go for it hon.


  2. vee Says:

    No advice, sorry, but I’m intrigued as to why they would need to renew your fingerprints? Surely they haven’t changed!?

  3. elowyn Says:

    No, they haven’t, but that’s what our good ol’ US government insists on – they “expire” in 15 months after doing them, so mine have been expired since September. It’s an easy, $75 fix – but annoying.

  4. megan Says:

    the expiration of fingerprints?? pullease. what a $$ crock!

    my honest initial thought: screw the agency who have run with your money and focus on the IVF.

    but shan has me thinking more. i’ll come back to the money issue, but are you worried about being overwhelmed by 2 little ones? i’m not sure of the expected amount of time between potential referral and actual traveling to bring home your kid, but let’s assume you go through with the IVF. and it works. and it’s all good. baby from your heart may be a year old by the time baby from your body is born. still a LOT of work, obviously, but perhaps do-able. it seems like a worst case scenario would be you being 8.5 months pregnant when you’re supposed to be traveling. hmmmm.

    so, finances. so is it either: 1.) go forward with the loan for the IVF OR 2.) cancel IVF and that loan, get your hands on other $$ for the adoption? (so no ability to $$ do both) i’m just wanting to clarify. being forced to choose between them is hard…and i guess one reason my first thought was to stick with the IVF is because emotionally, that’s where you said you are right now. and that means a lot. i feel like you had to mourn what you felt was a failed adoption, and to now be presented with this? it’s like a slap in the face while sitting on a rollercoaster. we all know IVF is not guaranteed. what kind of a program us yours? (sorry if you’ve mentioned this elsewhere) is it a one-shot deal? or if (spit spit) it didn’t work, do you get to do FET if there are little buggers to freeze?

    crap, i don’t know. when do you expect to know more info about the possible match/accidental referral?

  5. Emily Says:

    In a meeting with my dean today I mentioned how glad I am to have thoughts in addition to feelings — and that’s what I thought of when I read your post. I’ve only been in your cyber world for a short time, so there’s plenty I don’t know about your experience. but if there is an adoption agency that has some of your money, and you have previously wanted to adopt, I’m with Shannie — take one step at a time towards the adoption even as you are doing the IVF. (do know that I am saying this as a person with significant student loans, now trying to have a baby as a single grad student…) the universe works in mysterious ways — and no doubt one of the first lessons in becoming a parent is to let go of plans. that said, I do believe that there is no right answer. there’s only making a choice and embracing it, whichever one you choose. wishing you much courage in the whole process.

  6. Care Says:

    I posted to you on the board, but wanted to add…does your hospital offer any funds for adoption? Maybe in the form of reimbursements, but worth looking at. And then there are the tax credits and such….I know, doesn’t help with money up front. Hmmm….such a conundrum. Hope I can catch you tonight if you are on to chat.

  7. Jude Says:

    I say go for broke and go for both. When we finally started ttc we had someone ask us to adopt her (unborn) baby. We agonized and decided to go for it. She ended up m/c and we were not successful for a while but if they had both worked, we king of felt like these babies were sent to us for a reason.

    Good luck.

  8. steppingonlegos Says:

    Go for it. You can always turn it down. You aren’t a mama until you fly to Vietnam, kwim? And I say go for broke too….if its meant to be, it’ll be.

  9. Wow. Talk about blindsided. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. I guess I wouldn’t close the door on the adoption yet… but probably not the IVF either. (I doubt I’d pursue both to completion, though – I think there would be a “fish or cut bait” point somewhere along the line and I’d end up choosing, but which or how I do not know. Yowza.

  10. Clemency Says:

    Ayayay. Hard decision for you. But, not knowing you or much of your story, it would be an easy one for me. Still, I get that you’ve been pursuing the dream of a child for a loooooooong time, and I can see how attractive the idea of having 2 at a time might be, given luck in both your endeavours.

    Still, I’m a practical sort. Throwing your hands up and saying “the universe will provide” or “what is meant to be, will be” is all very well but you’re a person on her own, trying to be a parent. Surely being a single mum is a tough enough row to hoe without introducing additional stressors? If you hock yourself to the limit to get the children, how will you provide for them when they are here? Doesn’t that deserve consideration too?

    I felt the same when watching the blog of a nice-sounding couple who were trying to decide how many embryos to transfer into one of them, when the other was about 5 months pregnant. They’ve now got a newborn and twins on the way, and after 3 years of trying to have a kid with both women it was obvious they thought it’d never happen. But it did.

    I’m a believer in deciding what your goal is and pursuing it single-mindedly, not muddying the waters with other what-ifs and just-in-cases. IVF will be difficult enough and from what I hear the road to international adoption is incredibly stressful. If I were you I would choose one – for me it would be the IVF, as you’ve got the funds, you’ve already started preparing for the cycle medically and emotionally, and it has a pretty good success rate on the whole, and you’re young. And I would concentrate on that with all my heart.

    If (FX) it didn’t work after the number of cycles that you are prepared to deal with, I’d turn to adoption and pursue that with every $ and shred of energy I could. Because you have many years up your sleeve to succeed in adopting but your ovaries are on a time limit.

    Sorry for assvice and it seems I’m in the minority and am probably biased as adoption is well-nigh impossible in Oz, but there you are. Best of luck and many, many good wishes for you.

  11. WOW. wow.

    This is my gut reaction – I think you should look at the referral packet. (I am saying this as someone who looked at six different “waiting children”‘s packets. Three of those children I knew immediately, at a very gut level, were not “my” child. The other three – well, one of them is Lana, and one is the boy we asked to be matched to and didn’t get).

    If you see the child, and you feel one way or the other, I think you’ll know.) (That sounds flaky and not rational…I’m sorry.)


  12. Dianna Says:

    Ummm…. I have a definite opinion. I’m not sure I should give it to you, since it’s rather a momentous decision. But I also like to give opinions 🙂 So I will say that your agency, although incredibly cautious and very very slow and not completely forthright (ha! enough negatives???), is known as incredibly ethical. So if they’re offering a referral, it’s most likely a solid referral. I’d move forward. And call me if Mexican food and a margarita would help in the decision making!!!

  13. Calliope Says:

    WOW. I mean, seriously. Wow.

    My guts says walk both lines. If anyone can you can.

    This is amazing.

  14. byrdlady Says:

    Wow, that is a definite curve ball. i’m glad you’re taking the time to get all the information–and maybe the best thing to do is discuss with the agency that you had started to move towards other options, and what could they help you do to get more prepared if it worked out…
    Wow…good luck either way.

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