And Then…

So all that hogwash I wrote two days ago?  Crap.  Other than the wishing-you-all-merry bit.  I’ll stick with that.  I had a good long solitary sit in front of the tree yesterday morning, listening to my parents’ Christmas records, and I thought.  Similar to Pooh’s thotful spot, if you recall it.  Think think think think.  I did not, however, eat any amount of honey, nor did I manage to get myself stuck in the front door.  Yet. 

The conclusion?  I love, deeply, the *idea* of being with someone/2.5 kids/picket fence/etc.  The actuality, as with everything, will inevitably fall short of the ideal, and furthermore isn’t always attainable.  I’ve missed the ideal way that I wanted my life to unfold in several respects already – so what?  That’s how life works.  None of us (or very few, anyway) get the life we thought we were carving out for ourselves.  As one of the day shift nurses says, tough titty says the kitty.  Continuing to hope for some sort of possibly fulfill-able but terribly unlikely fantasy is absolutely futile.  Why torture myself that way? 

Furthermore, I know I have fertility issues.  I know that I have only a very few more years to ttc.  At 28.5, I have, at best 6.5 more years to “plan on” being able to ttc, and that with IVF.  I figure that after 35, for me, given my track record, all bets are off using my own eggs.  I know I want kids.  I know I can afford kids.  I know that I want kids plural, rather than kid singular.  I’d love three or four.  And I can’t wait around any longer for Mr. Right to show up.  And furthermore, if the artist formerly known as the POI were truly interested, he’d have done something about it by now.  So, then, enough said.  Enough thinking.  Time to gather up my courage and go for IVF. 

I’m calling today to ask about the schedule, and then will schedule my appointments.  I’m thinking February. 

Explore posts in the same categories: TTC

3 Comments on “And Then…”

  1. Care Says:

    I am glad to read this. And I’ll be cheering from the sidelines come February, or whenever it may be. And Merry Merry to you too. A day late.

  2. Was wondering. Glad you are rescheduling and getting back on your game. 😀

  3. byrdlady Says:

    OMG, this is very exciting news. i am happy to hear you’re grabbing that bull by the horns and going for it. We are in the same boat. Tired of f*cking around with things that don’t work, as we both have the problems.
    i so hope that everything falls into place…

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