Merry Christmas

I’m out at my parents’ for the holiday. We’re having a quiet little Christmas, before I have to go back to work tomorrow night. Nothing fancy, which this year is awfully nice. I adore Christmas, but there’s a healthy dose of sadness this year, with the adoption tanking and all that. I’m trying to be cheerful, but sometimes it doesn’t quite work.

I’m looking at 2008, and trying to figure out what I need to be doing. I had my IVF consult, which went well, and shouldn’t cost a terribly exorbitant amount. I have the financing information, but haven’t done anything with it yet. Something in me just isn’t ready for IVF. Or, more to the point, ready to “give up” on the marriage + kids dream. Of course this is bizarre, as I was quite happy to discard that fantasy up until last spring, but there you have it. It doesn’t help a bit that, quite unintentionally, I’ve forgiven the POI for his serious case of foot-in-mouth disease. Why, exactly, can’t I hate him again?

So here I am. No idea whether to try to convince myself of the POI’s fundamental asshattery (which I don’t quite think is the case) or whether to give him the (small, token) Christmas present that came from Amazon last week. No idea whether I should push forward with getting my IVF financing arranged, and getting on the schedule, or whether I should sit back for a few months and see how life goes. Life is just too complicated lately.

At any rate, a Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates, and a Merry Tuesday & Happy Winter Holiday of Choice for those who don’t.

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