I Give Up

The faint pseudo-lines are still there this a.m., and I’m sure I could photoshop them into visibility, but I just don’t have it in me.  I’m going for my beta in a few minutes, and they’ll call me in a few hours.  Before 1430 CST, anyway, since that’s when they close today.  I’m not at all hopeful.

I’m in this mode that says everybody can get pregnant except me.  Other than a few people who end up adopting.  And I can’t get pregnant, and I can’t make an adoption work, and I’m just utterly fucked.  I’m not sure I have enough hope in me to do an IVF cycle, what with the increased cost.  OTOH, I’m not sure I’m hopeful enough that another injects cycle will do the trick. 

On yet a third hand (what can I say, I’m one of those many-armed Hindu deities today) I just can’t see trying another adoption.  International is too unstable, domestic too risky, and foster, well, after seeing the horrors that a lot of the kids in foster care have gone through to wind up there, I’m just not sure I can take it.  And the bottom line is that I want to conceive, give birth to and raise my biological child.  Seems like a normal desire, right?

Now to decide what to do with next cycle.  Another injects cycle?  Save up for IVF and do that next spring sometime?  Draft pick to be named later?

Will update with beta when I have it.  My money’s on <2.

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3 Comments on “I Give Up”

  1. Hannah Says:

    Fingers crossed (on all my arms)

  2. meg Says:

    I am going with that you are going to have a great beta today! Good luck my dear.

  3. katarinajellybeana Says:

    Everything crossed and sending prayers and good vibes your way.

    Waiting for my beta results today too. This may suck most of all…


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