Sob Story

Went to a family dinner for Aunt K’s birthday.  Spent the cleaning-up-the-kitchen phase sobbing to Aunt K about ttc.  To her credit, she did ask.  I feel horrible, but the floodgates just opened.  Could hardly quit crying to tell grandma goodbye (and couldn’t tell her why I was crying, either – gave an excuse of a hard night at work, which was true but irrelevant.) 

I’m just tired, I guess.  Tired physically, due to lack of sleep and lack of days off (although I have three consecutively this week, so yay.) 

Mostly I’m tired emotionally.  I’m tired of trying to squeeze out happiness for other people’s successes (although I should be happy for them – they’re friends) and tired of having to manage a pleasant attitude for the trashy fucktards at work who traipse into the ER with more kids than they want/can handle/can care about.  I’m tired of listening to Starbuck talk about her niece, who yes, is a beautiful gorgeous child (born to Starbuck’s now-reformed-druggie brother and his still-a-methhead ex) but is also now 2 1/2.  And I started trying the week she was born. 

I’m mostly tired of keeping up the good front, of acting like this isn’t hard, of acting like this isn’t happening (I’m not in the camp of being “out” to work colleagues, etc about infertility.)  I’m just tired of all of it.  And I’d like to sleep for a long, long time.  Preferably measured in years.

The peestick update today sucks ass.  FRER negative, Target +/- negative. 

Now I’m going to go wash my face and get ready for another night at work.  Blah.

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2 Comments on “Sob Story”

  1. Care Says:

    A good cry is not such a bad thing. The peesticks however, that is not so good. Sigh….they are evil. I am still hoping they change their tune.

  2. meg Says:

    I am so sorry that this is so hard. I hope the sticks end up turning up positive. Sometimes it is just way too hard.

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