Course Correction

Subtitle:  WTF Do I Want, Anyway?

Ah, for the days when I knew exactly what I wanted, and went after it.  Where did that go again?  Seriously.  Being this wishy-washy “I want this, I want that, I want everything but some things are mutually exclusive” girl is driving me crazy.  I feel like I wake up each morning with a new “this is how I want it to be” plan, and by evening it’s been attacked from all sides, and looks like it’s been through a blender.*

A list, in no particular order, of the things that are making my head spin this week:

– I love my new job.  I love the nutty hours, the fast pace, all of it.
– I would be completely freaked the frak out if I were pregnant today.
– I could have a referral in four months or so.
– OTOH, I might not.
– I really want to do the pregnancy/birth/baby thing.
– The last thing I want to do professionally right now is take a maternity leave, then have to jump back in.
– The idea of setting up daycare for my soon-to-be-all-nights schedule gives me the willies.
– Dianna’s new baby girl’s referral photo makes my heart stop she’s so gorgeous, and I know that if I hang in there, I’ll eventually have one of my own.
– OTOH, that idea scares the ever-living snot out of me, at least in the short term (see work stuff above.)

And now, the strangest, never-saw-it-coming one of the bunch:
– I’m not sure I want to do this without a partner.  

There.  I said it. 

Does it mean I won’t go the SMC route eventually?  No.  Does it mean that I don’t still see the advantages (and yeah, there are some) to being the sole parent/decision-maker/etc?  Not at all.  But something in me changed this year.  I just went through my blog archives to figure out when, and I’d estimate it started sometime back in January/February-ish.  I never blogged about it, but I can remember posting various things, and remember that I was carefully skirting the issue and avoiding discussing it here.  I thought, somehow, that if I never brought it up, never articulated it, it would eventually go away.  But guess what?  It hasn’t.  I want a relationship.  I want to be with someone, to eventually marry, kids, the works.  And damn if that doesn’t turn my thought process on its head.    

I still logically believe that I don’t “need” a man to be happy.  I’m intellectually much more of a feminist than that.  But something in me *wants* a relationship.  And again, this goes back months and months.  For the past, oh, six or seven years, I’ve only had fleeting moments of “gee, that’d be nice.”  But then, a few months ago, it started creeping up on me.  A thousand small, individually irrelevant, but collectively important things.  Then the wreck solidified it (yeah, that was over two months ago.  I’ve been sitting on this for awhile.)  My grandfather’s death (and watching the end of a nearly-sixty-year relationship) just cemented the whole thing.  People throw around the old saw of “the heart wants what the heart wants” for a reason.  And so, here I am.  Well and truly kicked off of my comfortable, fish-needs-a-bicycle spot.  I think things happen for a reason, but I haven’t a clue what the reason for this would be yet.  

Furthermore, I don’t know what, if anything, I plan to do with this epiphany.  I’m not any more of the type to go bar-hopping hunting for a guy than I was a year ago.  I’m still me.  I’ve tried the internet dating sites with varying degrees of success.  The pool’s a bit shallow, unfortunately.  (And yes, I’m that picky.  Alas.)  But I know, somehow, deep down, that I can’t do the mommying thing and this too.  Not right now, until I’ve had a bit more time to test the waters, see what develops, all that.  

To answer Gretchen’s question from a few posts back, I don’t know what I’m going to do wrt my agency.  My basic plan is to wait until I’m a little closer to the top of the list, then decide.  But if I had to decide today, I’d have them pull my dossier.  Which just makes me shake my head at myself – I’m a commit and stay with it sort of person – but it’s what my head and heart both would have me do right now.  We’ll see where I’m at when the time rolls around, but frankly after six months of this whole change of heart developing, I doubt it’s going to evaporate in three more months.

Oh, and since I know it will come up in comments, I’ll address it now.  My recent change of heart has *nothing* to do with the previously-posted-about Person of Interest.  The epiphany came first, and just primed me to be paying attention when the POI showed up.  Totally, 100% *not* the other way around.  It’s a coincidentaloma.**

So that’s where I am.  Which, of course, is the point of blogging, imho.  To explore where I am, do a bit of public navel-gazing, talk things over with one’s friends.  And of course to discuss the best places for IVF, new TV shows and whether or not one should cut one’s hair.  😉

*Which reminds me of that stupid joke from grade school.  “What’s red and green and goes round and round?  A frog in a blender.”  Sick, I know.

**We medical types have a term, probably coined by a bored radiologist, called an “incidentaloma.”  Meaning you were looking for, say, appendicitis, and happened to see a liver tumor on the CT scan.  You weren’t looking for it, but found it anyway, incidentally.  I’ve coopted this word and fused it with coincidence, to describe unexpected instances of coincidence, medical and otherwise.  And according to google, it’s a new word (other than one Dr Malaprop’s use of it in a study, when he meant incidentaloma.)  Let’s see if it catches on, shall we?

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