Moving On

Well, I’m home. I’m having another chemical pregnancy (b/c the first one was so much fun.) BFN yesterday (22 DPO), along with a BFN on 18 DPO – after having faint BFPs on 13, 14 & 15 DPO.

I’m going to wait for AF to show, and then taking a cycle off. I’m not wasting my money on a beta, I know the truth. I’m going to see how next month goes, and if my cycle’s still weird, I’m going to see a gyn (or possibly an RE.) If I decide to continue TTC, I’ll definitely be going the RE route – at least for an evaluation. Two losses is the cut-off for an RE referral, anyway.

I’m also heavily looking at adoption (have ordered packets from several agencies, and am posting on an adoption list-serv.) May seem premature, but I actually started the SMC path thinking I’d adopt, and TTC was almost a “oh, I guess I could do that!” sort of thing. I may be back in the saddle come January (logistically that will be my first cycle after this break, since AF may still be weeks away) or may be sending my paperwork overseas at that point. We’ll just have to see.

I’m really pretty bummed about two losses in a row. Especially as I’m basically getting the response from some of the internet-folk that a chemical pg isn’t really a loss. I’m sorry, but it is. It’s not “just a weird BFN” – it’s a miscarriage, albeit a very early one. I’m sorry if that makes someone uncomfortable, but if it does, too fucking bad. And, of course, no one IRL has any clue what’s up…which just makes it worse.

And then there’s the other side of my brain, that’s saying “You’re just not supposed to get pregnant. It’s not meant to be. You never should’ve tried this.” Ugh.

Off to snuggle the puppy on the couch, and knit, and watch some mindless television.

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