Warning, This Will Offend You

Okay, junior campers, time to tune in. This very well may offend you, and if it does, well, frankly, I just don’t give a damn. I’m hot, tired and PMS-y, so you can just take it and deal with it. Quit reading now if you’re going to whine about how I’m unfair, or judgmental, or what-the-F-ever.

Let’s talk about babies. They’re cute, right? Relatively snuggly, some cry a lot, most stink on occasion, but in general they’re lobbying for most-favored-members-of-the-species status. Let’s say you’re *having* a baby, or at least thinking about it. Presumably you want this baby to grow up healthy, and smart, and all those good things. Of course you do. If you don’t, I’m sending either a psychiatrist or family services, as indicated.

Tell me, then, friends, why you would feed this baby, who grew inside you for 9 months, all snuggly-warm and feeding off your blood supply like a cute little parasite, a concoction of chemicals and cow’s milk that smells so foul I’d pour it down the drain, if found unlabelled in my refrigerator? Why do you refuse to give your child the food he’s designed to thrive on, namely breastmilk? That’s right…I said it. BREAST. Be shocked now. I’ll wait for you to come back.

Done writhing & shuddering? Alrighty. Babies are designed to be nourished for at least the first year to two years from their mother’s BREAST. Not a plastic, artificial teat designed by Gerber, with a “dishwasher-safe” label. Not to drink expensive cow’s milk, mixed with a variety of chemicals, all designed to mimic the very substance that mothers are designed to produce naturally following birth! Nevermind the convenience factors (breastmilk being the perfect temperature, never spoiling, responsive to baby’s increases or decreases in appetite with growth.) Nevermind the health factors for your child (intelligence, lower risk of SIDS, lower risk of obesity and diabetes). Why, I ask you, do you want to feed your kids this CRAP instead of nature’s perfect food? I’d really like to know!! Is it that formula is more convenient? (Yes, especially when you have to warm it at 3 a.m., and deal with the stinky diapers it produces.) Is it that you see your breasts as sex toys? (Well, maybe you do, but I’m guessing you saw your vagina that way before junior came tumbling out, but out he came, nonetheless, and don’t even get me freaking STARTED on elective c-sections.) Do you “want your body back?” – I’m sorry, I must have missed the bit in parenthood 101 where it was discussed that your child was an autonomous little being, never hanging on you or touching you again after the cord was cut.

Babies are meant to be breastfed. It’s the right thing to do. More to the point, to choose to feed formula is WRONG. That’s right, I DO look down on you if you choose formula over breastmilk. I’m not talking to the less than 1% of moms that absolutely, positively can’t make milk. Ladies, you tried. Really hard. And you love your babies, and wish you could’ve given them breastmilk. But for the other 99% of you, you should be (or have been) breastfeeding your babies! You were WRONG not to do so! It’s not an elective choice, like “shall the baby wear green pants, or yellow?” It’s not like deciding whether the babe’s first foods should be rice or oatmeal. This is your child’s brain engineering we’re talking about here! Do you even give a flying fuck???

I’ll end this with a quote (a bit paraphrased, of course), and a big shout-out to one of my MDC friends: “Women should not feel guilty if they are unable to breastfeed. They should, however, feel guilty if they are *unwilling* to do so, and they should be intellectually honest enough to know the difference.”

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