You know it’s never going to be good when the chief complaint on the tracking board is “Genital FB*” and it’s a 53 year old male. Not. Good.
I headed into Mr. FB’s room, fortunately a private one (smart triage nurse, there.) Sitting on the bed is the most normal-looking guy you can imagine – I could see him working at H&R Block doing taxes. Your basic straight arrow. 50ish. Balding. Button-down shirt and dockers. Sheepish-looking, but no apparent discomfort. You get the picture.
So I asked him about his problem. It turns out that he had been, for one reason or another**, in the habit of pushing a long strand of metal chain (similar to that used to hold military dog tags) up into his urethra. Ordinarily, apparently, this was easily removable after he achieved his ultimate goal, shall we say.
Tonight, for whatever reason, Mr. FB was unable to extract said material by simple pulling, and was in fact attempting to lever it out by winding it around a ballpoint pen and pulling. This makes a better handle, and allows more force, so on the face of it it wasn’t the worst idea, except that oops, the chain broke off. With about 3 cm of chain sticking out of the end of his penis. No way to get it out, can’t pee, off to the ER he goes.
We x-ray his pelvis, and yep, there’s the chain, going up through the prostate and winding around in his bladder. Nobody (the urologist included) was willing to yank on the thing any harder in the ER, so off to surgery Mr. FB went, with his seriously irritated wife in tow. (She was completely ignorant of this particular extracurricular activity, and not a little pissed off, pardon the pun, to be dragged down to the ER on a Friday night due to her husband’s misadventure in the world of self-pleasure with household objects.)
The urologist reported back to us after he got out of the OR, and it turns out that the fellow had a good 20ish inches of chain up inside of him. Not the best life choice, and definitely not something to mention at future cocktail parties. Further proof that there is no object so mundane that it cannot be used for sexual gratification, and that you just never know what’s going on behind closed doors in suburbia.
*foreign body
** Actually, there’s just the one reason. Use your imagination.
EWW.
Wow, that is juicy. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to think about doing that if I were a guy. Just wow.
Seriously, EWWWW!
Oh ICK. Ick Ick Ickity ICK. There’s a man who needs some serious help.
Good grief! I’m at a loss as to how on this good Earth doing that could possibly be pleasurable. It makes me pale inside just thinking about it!
I couldn’t read it all. I thought I was going to vomit.. LOL
I can only IMAGINE what kind of hits you will get on this particular post now!!!!!! Seriously that is deeply distrubing. Your job provides me endless entertainment
Oh my gosh….you sure have some interesting characters show up in your ER! I can just picture the wife reacting to all this – oh my.
yeah. your job? wow. never a dull moment, is all i’m gonna say. (seriously speechless and aghast—20 inches??).
Wow. It sure makes the day interesting, huh? People can be so creative. I worked in GYN for years and saw many different sorts of FBs–but the vagina is way easier to retrieve them from!
Ouch.
It makes you wonder how an idea such as this comes to mind. Can you imagine the conversation between the patient and his wife prior to the ride and also during the ride to the ER? Lord have mercy!
oh my. i have no words for this one…except now i really know i am not up for ER nursing.
Wow. Amazing. Never heard of anything like this before – quite an eye opener!